For Bryan

Okay, Bryan, this one's for you. And the reason I address this is because I have probably had way too much time on my hands - time to spend thinking about things I should probably just leave along. But maybe not. Maybe this needs to come out. Better now than never, I guess.

On Saturday when we were all at your mom's house I briefly told you about the book/marriage issue (see previous posts) while your dad was outside smoking. You seemed to agree that he was experiencing some memory loss. But there was something that bothered me about our conversation. I heard criticism in your voice, and saw judgement in your eyes. God, how I hope I read you wrong!

But just in case I read you correctly -

I know how close you are to your father. I know how much you love him. And it's plain to see how protective you are of him. You will probably play a huge role with me one day in his daily care taking, should he get to that point. I know that must weigh heavily upon your mind and your heart. But please keep in mind that I am doing the best I can. Just as it is hard for you to see your father change, physically and mentally, it is equally difficult for me to see it. And I see it on a daily basis. Day in and day out I can take inventory of all the changes that occur, even the most subtle. You and I know him better than anyone else - we know what having PD has done to his spirit, to his self-esteem, to his confidence. I need to know that you are behind me, that you support me in the way I try to support him.

I know I have made mistakes. Sometimes I am impatient with him. Sometimes I am short and ill-tempered. Sometimes I am sad. I am always at a loss. I never really know what to do. Things happen and I have a choice - do I respond in a PD way, or in a normal way? It's not always apparent why your father does the things he does, or why he says the things he says. I never know from one day to the next if an issue is PD related or not. I am learning everyday, and it's not exactly the type of school I want to go to, know what I mean?

So please, just try to be patient with me, as I try to be patient with him. We've got a long road ahead of us to travel together. Let's not start disagreeing now.