Monday, July 28, 2008

Toying With Emotions

Webster's Dictionary describes apathy as 1. absence of emotion, and 2. lack of interest or concern. Dr. Wooten, the PD specialist, tried to prepare me for this. I just didn't know it could get so bad.

One of the biggest issues I face as the spouse of a PWP is dealing with the wonderful PD symptom known as apathy. Keith has always been a very laid back kind of guy. He is even-tempered (except at the Wendy's just down the road - they always mess up our order!) and not normally an excitable person. Add PD to the mix, and you've got yourself one "emotionless" and "non-caring" guy. Only, not really.

I woke up this morning in a blue funk. I was depressed and ticked off. For some reason (maybe I had a dream I don't remember???) I was mad at Keith. I spent most of the morning mad and depressed, feeling like he just doesn't give a damn. Sometimes I think that he doesn't care about me or the kids. I think he isn't happy, or that he could care less about our family and what goes on it. I feel this way because I can rarely read my husband's face anymore. He never gets visibly excited. His face hardly ever lights up. He doesn't seem to be truly passionate about anything anymore. This is the one thing about PD that I stuggle with the most.

I know Keith cares. I know he loves each and every one of us. Why, just a few weeks ago he gave me a card with all kinds of mushy stuff in it, just because. The following week he left a love note on the bathroom mirror. The other day he brought me flowers. He is very interested in our kids and what goes on in their lives. He is actively involved. But when he literally shows no emotion, it's hard to believe it all. I have to remind myself constantly, like this morning, that he can't show emotion.

I've spent the better part of this afternoon talking myself out of feeling angry and depressed. I know my feelings are normal, but they really should not be directed at Keith. I've talked to him several times today on the phone. I can hear the love in his voice. I hear the concern and the passion. Why is it easier to believe over the phone??? Is is because I am not looking for facial expressions? Is is because I know I have to focus on what he's saying, which automatically tunes me in to the heart of him? Can I actually hear more when I see less?

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