Thursday, April 10, 2008

Working Through "How Long"

Keith recently posted on Shaky's World about the question "how long?" He is constantly worried about how long he has until his symptoms worsen, until he can no longer work, until he is physically disabled. The list goes on and on. Honestly, it really frustrates me when he starts talking this way.

It really bothers me that he wants to know exactly when everything is going to go all to hell, IF it even does. I'm not sure why it bothers me so much - maybe because I can't give him the answer. I don't want to be able to give him the answer to that. I don't want to know the answer to that.

The older I get the more I become the exact opposite of the type of person I once was. Whereas I was once very pessimistic, I am now very optimistic. I was once grumpy and moody - now I am happy and cheerful. (okay, not ALL the time, but I try) And I am extremely hopeful. Hope is what drives me now. It's what keeps me happy, because it gives me the ability to believe in something more. Okay, I'm having a really bad day, but hopefully, tomorrow will be better. The washing machine just gave out, but hopefully, I can get a new one on sale. Keith is more shaky and tired than usual today, but hopefully, it's because he had a long day and not because his symptoms are getting worse.

HOPE n. v.
1. the feeling that what is wanted can be had or that events will turn out well.
2. a person or thing in which expectations are centered
3. something hoped for
4. to look forward to with desire and reasonable confidence.
5. to believe or trust

Because I have such a strong sense of hope, I have no desire to know just how long until anything happens. (well, I really do want to know how long until the laundry can do itself!) I don't need to know. I have hope that our lives will turn out well, PD and all. I have hope that our lives will be full of caring family and friends and love, cheesy as that may sound. I am excited to live the rest of my life, even knowing full well that it could be scary, tragic and sad. You see, it's the NOT knowing how long that gives me hope. It's NOT knowing how each day will begin and end that allows me to believe it will be a very good day.

I give myself a mental picture of the future - like a calender in my head, and each day is a blank canvas waiting to be sketched upon. I don't know what's going to fill up each one of those days, and that fills me with excitement. I can't wait to see how it will turn out! I can't wait to see what the outcome will be! I have so much hope that each one of those blank days will be just as good as today has been. I don't need to know how long until ____. All I need is HOPE. That is enough.

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