Thursday, April 3, 2008

For ME, The Worst is Over

This is a fairly sensitive post, so I need to be very careful how I word it. There are quite a few different people who could easily get offended or hurt by what I am about to post, so if you are one of those individuals, please know that I am only speaking from my heart.

Last week while Hailey was still with his father for Easter break, Keith and I met with Carolyn, Keith's ex-wife, so we could all have dinner together. The conversation turned to kids and my admittance that I had taken a pregnancy test earlier that day. (I am not pregnant, turns out I was just getting sick) Apparently Carolyn didn't know, as most everyone else does, that Keith and I are seriously considering having another baby. And by "considering" I mean that the only form of birth control we are using is a breastfeeding, co-sleeping toddler. Carolyn looked at me with a mixture of horror and grave concern and asked, "Why would you want to do that to yourself after everything you've got piled on you already?" (or something very similar to that) My response was laughing, with "This is easy! After everything I've been through this is the high-life!" I thought I should explain . . . .

I don't want to go into detail and dredge up the past. There's no point in doing that. I will simply say that if I could somehow wave a magic wand and erase my entire life up until seven years ago, I would. Not because that is when I met and started dating Keith, but because that was when I took control of my own life for the first time. I am not saying that the first twenty three years of my life were all bad - there were plenty of good, happy times. But I would gladly give up all those good memories if it meant erasing the bad ones. I know that's a bold statement to make, but for me, it's true. I have been through a lot. I have hit my rock bottom. I have had to work very hard for a very long time to get to where I am today.

I do not want to take away from the seriousness of my husband having PD. I am not naive enough to think it will be easy for us. I know it will be extremely difficult. There are some that would say I have no idea what I am getting into. Some would be rather offended at my (perceived) blase attitude about PD. Still, others would attribute my feelings to being young and inexperienced. They may all be correct, to some degree. However, to put it in a nutshell - I can not believe that the worst part of my life is yet to come.

I can not accept the possibility that what I have been through "in my prior life" was not the worst I have to look forward to. I can not even begin to imagine anything worse than that. For the sake of my own sanity, I have to believe that the worst is over. In my mind, there could be nothing worse than what I have already been through, so it stands to reason that a future with PD is not as grim a life as many would believe it to be. There are few people who can say "I am only 30 years old, and I know that the worst part of my life is over." I know that no matter how bad it gets, it will never be that bad. It has allowed me to live my life knowing that I can handle anything life has to offer. I am strong enough to get through anything and everything. I have been given the ability to see the silver lining of every storm cloud. And I know what matters most in life. I know it's much more about the little things - all those little things most of us take for granted every day.

Having a baby with a man in his 50's who has recently been diagnosed with PD is not what the average person would consider a good idea. But why not? I am in the prime of my life. I am happier than I have ever been. I've got a great family, great kids, a wonderful husband. I feel so blessed in so many ways, and I consider it an honor to be the one chosen by God (and Keith) to stand by Keith and help him live with this degenerative illness, babies and all.

4 comments:

Patient on-line said...

Dear Mary, After you visited my blog, I checked yours out. I was very pleased to find it so very informative and also that you reflect the transparency you do in your writing. I appreciate the way you express the effect your husband's PD has on your life, but not in a complaining, but hopeful manner. Amazing!

I found your article on the cause of PD very helpful and think you have a gift for making things clear for others. Keep up the great effort. I have put a link on my site to yours; I hope you don't mind. Let's stay in touch and encourage one another. Dan http://www.pdplusme.blogspot.com

KEITH said...

Thank you, Dan. I don't see any point to any of this unless I am completely honest. I have learned over the years that the happiest way to live is to live in hope. "Prepare for the worst but hope for the best." That's how I try to live my life daily.
Thanks for linking me!

KEITH said...

okay, I just realized that I posted on my own site while still logged into Keith's account, so it shows that Keith posted the last comment. But it wasn't - it was me - Mary! ;)

One Life said...

Mary;

I am sending you an email. I think we have been floating in the same boat!

Michelle