Webster's Dictionary describes apathy as 1. absence of emotion, and 2. lack of interest or concern. Dr. Wooten, the PD specialist, tried to prepare me for this. I just didn't know it could get so bad.
One of the biggest issues I face as the spouse of a PWP is dealing with the wonderful PD symptom known as apathy. Keith has always been a very laid back kind of guy. He is even-tempered (except at the Wendy's just down the road - they always mess up our order!) and not normally an excitable person. Add PD to the mix, and you've got yourself one "emotionless" and "non-caring" guy. Only, not really.
I woke up this morning in a blue funk. I was depressed and ticked off. For some reason (maybe I had a dream I don't remember???) I was mad at Keith. I spent most of the morning mad and depressed, feeling like he just doesn't give a damn. Sometimes I think that he doesn't care about me or the kids. I think he isn't happy, or that he could care less about our family and what goes on it. I feel this way because I can rarely read my husband's face anymore. He never gets visibly excited. His face hardly ever lights up. He doesn't seem to be truly passionate about anything anymore. This is the one thing about PD that I stuggle with the most.
I know Keith cares. I know he loves each and every one of us. Why, just a few weeks ago he gave me a card with all kinds of mushy stuff in it, just because. The following week he left a love note on the bathroom mirror. The other day he brought me flowers. He is very interested in our kids and what goes on in their lives. He is actively involved. But when he literally shows no emotion, it's hard to believe it all. I have to remind myself constantly, like this morning, that he can't show emotion.
I've spent the better part of this afternoon talking myself out of feeling angry and depressed. I know my feelings are normal, but they really should not be directed at Keith. I've talked to him several times today on the phone. I can hear the love in his voice. I hear the concern and the passion. Why is it easier to believe over the phone??? Is is because I am not looking for facial expressions? Is is because I know I have to focus on what he's saying, which automatically tunes me in to the heart of him? Can I actually hear more when I see less?
Monday, July 28, 2008
Voicing A New Concern
One of the biggest differences I've noticed in Keith since his PD diagnosis has been that his voice has changed considerably. More specifically, it's his voice volume that has seen the most change. He speaks much softer now and tries to speak as if you are standing right next to him, even if you are in another room. This is one of two PD related issues (I'll blog about the other one next) that seems to affect us the most. It's gotten really bad lately. It may be that I deal with this more than others because of the noise volume in our house. We've so many kids here all the time that it gets pretty loud. We need to find a way to deal with it more effectively.
The other day I was sitting here on the computer. Keith and I were having a conversation and he turned away from me to leave the room. He was still talking as he was walking away. I couldn't hear him, so I said, "What?" He repeated what he had said, still turned away from me, still walking away. I got a little irritated. "WHAT?!" I said, a bit more loudly. Then he got irritated. He stopped, turned to me, and practically yelled what he wanted to say. I felt bad and apoligized. Then I felt even worse when he said that he "can't help it!" to which I replied, "I know you can't help it. But you KNOW you have PD. You KNOW your voice has changed. You KNOW I can't hear you. If I ask you to repeat yourself or say 'what' that means you need to make a point to make sure I can hear you. If you keep your back turned and keep walking away, how am I supposed to hear anything you say?" "Well, it already feels like I'm yelling everything I say," he said.
Hmm . . . . it feels like he's yelling already. That alone speaks volumes. What does that say about how the disease has progressed in the verbal sense if he feels like almost every time he talks, he's yelling? Especially when I (and most everyone else) can barely hear him?
There are many times when Keith is in the kitchen talking and I am in the other room. I hear him speaking though I can't actually hear well enough to make out what he's saying. Sometimes I have to ask him several times to repeat himself. That really frustrates him. He hates it when I do that, but what else can I do? This is a difficult one for me. I am so busy that at times I know I am a bit harsh. I know I need to slow down and speak more calmly. I think "Good grief! With all these kids here all the time, how can you NOT yell everything anyway??" I have to remind myself that his voice has changed - is changing - because he has PD, which makes me feel even worse, because how can I "forget" that he has PD, when he never can?
The other day I was sitting here on the computer. Keith and I were having a conversation and he turned away from me to leave the room. He was still talking as he was walking away. I couldn't hear him, so I said, "What?" He repeated what he had said, still turned away from me, still walking away. I got a little irritated. "WHAT?!" I said, a bit more loudly. Then he got irritated. He stopped, turned to me, and practically yelled what he wanted to say. I felt bad and apoligized. Then I felt even worse when he said that he "can't help it!" to which I replied, "I know you can't help it. But you KNOW you have PD. You KNOW your voice has changed. You KNOW I can't hear you. If I ask you to repeat yourself or say 'what' that means you need to make a point to make sure I can hear you. If you keep your back turned and keep walking away, how am I supposed to hear anything you say?" "Well, it already feels like I'm yelling everything I say," he said.
Hmm . . . . it feels like he's yelling already. That alone speaks volumes. What does that say about how the disease has progressed in the verbal sense if he feels like almost every time he talks, he's yelling? Especially when I (and most everyone else) can barely hear him?
There are many times when Keith is in the kitchen talking and I am in the other room. I hear him speaking though I can't actually hear well enough to make out what he's saying. Sometimes I have to ask him several times to repeat himself. That really frustrates him. He hates it when I do that, but what else can I do? This is a difficult one for me. I am so busy that at times I know I am a bit harsh. I know I need to slow down and speak more calmly. I think "Good grief! With all these kids here all the time, how can you NOT yell everything anyway??" I have to remind myself that his voice has changed - is changing - because he has PD, which makes me feel even worse, because how can I "forget" that he has PD, when he never can?
Monday, July 21, 2008
Morrie Explains it All
I am reading Tuesdays with Morrie by Mitch Albom for the third time is as many months. This time I have gone through it with a highlighter and marked the passages and quotes I like best. I highly suggest you all read this book!
Lately, more so than before, I have been getting a lot of comments about WHY I am choosing to do certain things, like foster Pierre or have another baby. Certain individuals look at me cross-eyed as if I'm some kind of freak. They ask me sarcastically if I realize my husband has PD. They make rude comments and offer strange suggestions. But mostly they are baffled. So I have chosen to post my favorite quotes from Tuesdays with Morrie in explanation -
"You have to find what's good and true and beautiful in your life as it is now." Thank you, Morrie, for pointing that out. So many people forget how blessed we all are. We have a wonderful life, so why wallow in sorrow and pity? Keith and I have so very many things to be thankful for. We truly do have a wonderful life.
"You know what really gives you satisfaction? . . . . . Offering others what you have to give. . . . . Devote yourself to loving others, devote yourself to your community around you, and devote yourself to creating something that gives you purpose and meaning." Well said. That should explain plenty.
"Do the kinds of things that come from the heart. When you do, you won't be dissatisfied, you won't be envious, you won't be longing for somebody else's things. On the contrary, you'll be overwhelmed with what comes back." So true! Keith and I feel we have so much and we have so much to offer, to our own kids and those around us. Sometimes we feel we could and should do more, sometimes we feel overwhelmed with what we already do. But we are reaping in the rewards in many different ways.
So I hope that clears things up a bit . . . .
Lately, more so than before, I have been getting a lot of comments about WHY I am choosing to do certain things, like foster Pierre or have another baby. Certain individuals look at me cross-eyed as if I'm some kind of freak. They ask me sarcastically if I realize my husband has PD. They make rude comments and offer strange suggestions. But mostly they are baffled. So I have chosen to post my favorite quotes from Tuesdays with Morrie in explanation -
"You have to find what's good and true and beautiful in your life as it is now." Thank you, Morrie, for pointing that out. So many people forget how blessed we all are. We have a wonderful life, so why wallow in sorrow and pity? Keith and I have so very many things to be thankful for. We truly do have a wonderful life.
"You know what really gives you satisfaction? . . . . . Offering others what you have to give. . . . . Devote yourself to loving others, devote yourself to your community around you, and devote yourself to creating something that gives you purpose and meaning." Well said. That should explain plenty.
"Do the kinds of things that come from the heart. When you do, you won't be dissatisfied, you won't be envious, you won't be longing for somebody else's things. On the contrary, you'll be overwhelmed with what comes back." So true! Keith and I feel we have so much and we have so much to offer, to our own kids and those around us. Sometimes we feel we could and should do more, sometimes we feel overwhelmed with what we already do. But we are reaping in the rewards in many different ways.
So I hope that clears things up a bit . . . .
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