Saturday, January 30, 2010

I'm Learning as I Go

It should come as no surprise that I am a bit of a hypochondriac when it comes to Keith and PD. Any change I see, whether real or falsely perceived, becomes reason to almost attack Keith with my mountain of medical jargon, books, and exercise dvds. I am hit with a barrage of emotion – everything from sadness that the disease is progressing to deep motivation to keep going and do what I can for him. I say a little prayer thanking God for one more sweet day, and I ask that he slow the disease down as much as possible, that we might have many, many more sweet days together. Lately, more often than not, I have been adding a prayer; a prayer for myself; that I may have the strength to endure what I know is to come.

Hebrews 11:1 tells us that Faith is being sure of what we hope for, and certain of what we do not see. And in Proverbs 3:5-6 -

Trust in the Lord with all your heart,
and do not lean on your own understanding.
In all your ways acknowledge him,
and he will make straight your paths.

My Faith in the Lord has never wavered. I trust the He knows what He is doing. I trust that I can lay my troubles at His feet and He will bear them for me. Trust in myself, however, is another matter all together.

Try as I might, I can not understand why Keith has Parkinson’s Disease, nor can I understand why I was chosen to be his lifelong mate in his journey. I cannot understand my own reactions to it, both positive and negative. I get angry sometimes, sad as well. Oftentimes I am confused as to how I should respond to any given situation. Parkinson’s Disease is an uphill battle, a continuous roller coaster ride that runs the gamut of every possible emotion. Sitting in the front car of this roller coaster, in the deepest, most secretive places of my heart, I sometimes give in to the doubt that resides there – will I have the strength to finish the ride, or will I cry out to the man in charge, begging him to stop the ride so I can leap off? Will I have the strength to patiently and kindly endure the steep hills and topsy-turvy twists of this ride, or will I sit white knuckled, hanging on for dear life, screaming for the ride to end?

I don’t often admit these thoughts, even to myself. It’s a scary place to be. But every time there is a new symptom, a slight progression, a questionable situation, I am back on the roller coaster. A once-removed hypochondriac, that’s me. I freak out in a series of what-ifs, shoulda-coulda-wouldas and the ever present if-only-you-would-do-this mantra, all of which lead to that dark place deep inside that I only very secretively visit.

I am learning the hard way to have more Faith. I am very slowly coming to a place where I can lay not only my troubles, but also my self-doubt, at my Masters feet. I am learning to leave all of it, including Parkinson’s, in His hands.

Nahum 1:7 The Lord is good, a refuge on the day of distress; He takes care of those who have recourse to Him. . .

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